How do you deal with disappointment?

Forum Rules

Helios_Multi TPoxygen11final

[wchingya]

Don't mean to crash everyone's party, but.. just wondering.
Doesn't matter whether it comes in big or small as both give us a devastated, sad feeling. How do you deal with it (what do you do) normally (honestly), and get the groove back and move on?

[Evan]

Feel the feeling until I've felt enough.

See what it is that I'm disappointed about.  See if there's anything to learn.  Move on.

[wchingya]

Meaning just live through the disappointment stage, as much as it needs, then move on?

I guess you're right. I do find if I'm trying to hide it, or not to think about it, it's still there. It has to get out of the system some how.

Do you talk to people about it? I had an experience when talk to a friend about something sad, ended up he/she not understanding about the matter, and got me in a more devastating state. The lesson learnt, don't talk to the wrong person.  So I do less talking nowadays, except closed ones who know me well.

[kathiemt]

I focus on something that I know will lift me up and help me to look forward.  Sometimes time is the only healer.  Sometimes looking at that thing tomorrow or next week will have a different feeling for you altogether.  But if over time you find you're feeling worse instead of better then you need to seek support - someone to talk to or share with, even professional help, depending on how much it's dragging you down.

I sometimes Google what I'm going through to see how others have dealt with things. I know, from experience, that everything is temporary - some a shorter termporary than others. Things do move on and I remind myself that looking back in 6 months or 12 months will make a big difference to the way I feel today.

[Sueblimely]

It is very human to feel disappointment and, as others have said, time heals. It is when the feelings last and dominate us that we need to employ other tactics and find out why we are like this. 

Finding ways to stop constantly thinking of something that gets you down helped me enormously. As soon as the first thought comes into your head try and stop it dead by countering it with some self talk - what that is depends on what works for you. It could be something like telling yourself to just "stop! these thoughts are making me sad" or replacing them with a little motivational  quote or phrase that means something to you. Keep doing this and after a while it becomes automatic and they stop appearing. The trick is to recognize the thoughts to begin with - they are often such fleeing things but have the ability to cast a shadow over the day.

I am not saying you should ignore a problem and hide it away inside but deal with it without it constantly entering your thoughts. Seek support when necessary and and talk it through, following constructive advice but ignore those inner thoughts that are destructive.

[Evan]

I find talking to people very helpful - as long as they are good listeners!

If it is important ignoring it won't work.  (Trying to pretend that something important to us isn't important isn't a recipe for success.)

Joanna Macy: when we're disappointed we're not pretending (I paraphrase freely).

It helps to know why we are disappointed (what it is that we value).  This may lead to us making changes in how we go about things.

Feeling the feelings is more nourishing - and quicker in the long run.  Holding in the feelings uses energy.  But we need the supportive space where we can do this.

[mini miner]

I go to the source of the dissapointment and throw eggs at it until I feel better.

[wchingya]

Thanks guys.  I appreciated every word.

You're right. Time is the healer, no matter what it is. Tomorrow is a whole new perspective on the happening.  Looking back from today at the Q i popped in 4 days ago, I do feel alot better today.

But undeniably, from what you guys mentioned, I do agree that we need to have self control and the rationality to deal with the problem in our head. That's where the war is most of the time.

Do you do special things when you're down? Read? Write? Change the negativity into something else, might be good also, before I'm ready to be reasonable about it. A listener, at times, would be great.. but a trustworthy one, not easy to find..

ha.. thanks mini miner, for bringing up the egg-throwing idea..  hmm... 

[kkaty]

Generally, I find that first I need to recognize & accept that I'm feeling sad, mad or bad & understand that that's life & I'm entitled to my feelings. Next I find getting out for a walk along the beach or even a bit of shopping or reading at the library is good...just doing something. I love chocolate, so a good treat always makes me feel better & I always like to plan something....maybe what I''ll do tomorrow to get over whatever disappoints me or will make me feel I'm helping myself. This coping strategy seems to keep my mind busy.

[CrystalsQuest]

Not everybody is willing to hear this, but disappointment is only ever a result of having expectations that don't match reality. 

Are you seeing someone through rose coloured glasses, or are you projecting what you'd like to see happen, instead of what's really going on...

Disappointment is a way to correct those expectations and get a better grasp for next time.  Personally, when I feel disappointed I ask myself why I set the expectation up in the first place.  Then I look at what the experience has taught me, and move on.  Tough experiences are a gift through which you have the chance to grow as a person.

Your outer world is only ever a perfect reflection of what's going on inside. 
Sometimes it's too perfect and you don't want to see, but not looking won't make it any different. 

Best wishes

Crystal

[Ribbon]

I very much agree with what CrystalsQuest has written.  "Disappointment is only ever a result of having expectations that don't match reality."

Investigating your internal map of reality is an exciting adventure.  Once you become conscious of behaviours and patterns that don't serve you they almost immediately fall away.

best wishes 

[wchingya]

You guys are great! Thanks for all the great advices.
kkaty, I love your 'chocolate' idea. In fact, I do that from time to time, and I always have a jar/bar waiting for me there, for happy or for sadness sake.  And to keep oneself busy, that' works too.

Most of the answers given suggesting some 'inner'-healing. Our minds control our behaviours. A positive attitude definitely helps.
It's alright to be sad about the matter for a little while, as long you don't let the negativeness overrun your life.

[Evan]

For me it's warm baths, reading books (murder mysteries or humour - I think PG Wodehouse is one of the funniest writers who ever lived).  If I'm wealthy and a good movie is on I'll go to it.

[wchingya]

For me it's warm baths, reading books (murder mysteries or humour - I think PG Wodehouse is one of the funniest writers who ever lived).  If I'm wealthy and a good movie is on I'll go to it.

I'll go with the warm bath, and preferably a movie afterward.  That's my usual way of a relaxing weekend.

[janicejan]

I use to live with lots of disappointments 
but since I've been with Mr. Disappointment since I was young..
I got used to it and now I'm immune to it.. simply because if I will just cry and mock on the corner nothing will happen..
so its better to move one..

[cobwebhead]

disappointment is only ever a result of having expectations that don't match reality.

I agree that this is the cause of a lot of disapointment but in a lot of situations there are reasons to get your hopes up without it being classed as rosey coloured glasses.

For example say your playing a game of tennis, your opponent has a very similiar skill level and you have probably a 50/50 chance of winning. If you lose in this situation it will no doubt be disapointing. So my opinion is that you try not to let the disappointment get you down, you analyse what went wrong and make sure you try just as hard in the future.

[wchingya]

Thanks janicejan & cobwebhead. 

Maybe life without disappointments will let us easier to take things for granted; while feeling proud as you'll feel nothing is in your way. A good way to humble us and let us see the bigger picture. 

At times, it's easier to move on, if the disappointment is caused by ownself; but if it happens due to certain people which you can't rarely change anything, except the way you think, less expectations is always better...

Therefore, eat some chocolates, play some music.. sing out loud.. or have a good cry.. Guys don't normally do that right? 

[Publishing428]

Hi,

It is hard not to get upset when something disappointing happens.  The important thing is to try and learn something from it, pick yourself up and make sure whatever it was that caused the disappointment, doesn't happen next time. 

I agree with the point that disappointment is needed so we can learn to appreciate.  You have to take the good with the bad.
I do think it is important to talk about it and acknowlegde it, so when you do overcome it you are a stronger person for it. 

Jayde